WHAT I LEARNED ON MY SUMMER VACATION

by Raetta Holdman

What I learned on my summer vaction is : Bruce Campell is awesome.

This is a lesson that took a little while to sink in but when your teenage son is actually talking to you, you listen. So I’ve seen Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 (which is just really Evil Dead with a different girl and different ending) and Army of Darkness.  All of which led to me to Burn Notice, a show where creators, writers, producers and other actors begged Bruce Campbell to take a role. (and Sharon Gless as well).  I’ve seen Bubba-Ho-Tep some time ago and loved it but never followed up. So this summer, I developed a crush. Full-on, teenage girl crush on The Chin. (I’d even already bought the book for my son.) I learned the guy I sit next to has INTERVIEWED Bruce and found him completely charming. I discovered Bruce rocks with a chainsaw on his hand but that even he cannot redeem lines like “It’s opossum, I don’t eat human” although he can rock the phrase, “Next time, why don’t you call that Buffy girl?!”

I’ve also learned Renaissance faires are fun! They may be the one and only place in the world  where you can convince your brother (after a few beers) to spend more on a totally awesome coat (that he can wear no where else) than you’ve spent on your entire wardrobe in two years. And he still speaks to you.

Oh, there was the Star Trek “experience” where we discovered Kirk wasn’t the hot guy, Spock wasn’t either… it was Dr. McCoy! Really, any woman who didn’t swoon at “She took the whole damn planet and I have nothing left but these bones” should be required to give up the girl card.

Also, from the movies I learned a first kiss CAN be disappointing.  We KNOW Harry & Ginny’s first kiss, it’s about hidden, growing desire covered in boy guilt for Harry; it’s about destiny - pure and simple for Ginny (I’ve said this long before Book 6) - and “THEY” allow it to be hidden in the Room of Requirement (oh , spoiler - that’s what that room was in case you missed it from the movie) when it’s the place of hidden things (another spoiler - that’s super important for the end of the series - movie 8 I’m guessing). As it should have been played, Harry & Ginny kissed in front of EVERYONE, it wasn’t tentative, it was a declaration: for love, against Snape and against Lord Voldemort. (Okay, climbing off the soap box now)

Another movie lesson that takes us to television: Zooey Deschanel’s voice seems less annoying after 500 Days (of Summer). The soundtrack and storytelling made me find her more likeable, but I’ll always love Emily more for getting to kiss David Boreanz, even if the creator/writers did a horrible thing to Bones & Booth. That second to last episode of this season (still one of the most amazing scenes) when Bones simply knows something is wrong with Booth and says, “Trust me.” Unfortunately the viewers got betrayed. But we’re more than willing to be won over this season.

And - speaking of David Boreanz! Vampires took over this summer, I’ve actually READ Dracula back in the day (on some other summer vacation, yes, for pleasure not school) and I watched Being Human. I’ve tried True Blood and just couldn’t do it, I’ve read all of the Anita Blake The Vampire Hunter novels, okay with those and the Twilight series. The truth tho? Give me Spike any old day of the week. And yes, Angel too, even with a soul he got that HE WAS THE BAD GUY! And maybe I bailed before others got to that point, but I’m over the vampire movement and if Buffy really comes back without Joss Whedon, I may have to sit in the sun until I die.

A few other disappointments from the summer: Torchwood: Children of Earth – no wonder the Doctor didn’t come back to us, a bad version of The Lottery (which again, my son pointed out while I was struggling to remember) . The only good news? Gwen apologized for us, but honestly?  Capt. Jack sacrifices his grandson after all that angst with shoving his brother in vault? (and no, Ianto dying didn’t bother me, once he made the tea and showed his puppy dog eyes, Ianto had no bearing on what the team did).

Dutch did it? Really?

We waited all that time for ABC to fulfill the promise of Dirty, Sexy Money to be told the dead guy was alive and did it? I hope Nate’s (is his name Nate on DSM or am I channeling Six Feet Under?) ex tracks him down and takes Daddy Dutch out for the whole family in some sort of graphic novel!

The good lessons I learned? ( and yes, I did learn good ones!) From The Hangover, your friends will always rescue you - it just may take longer than they think.

I also learned that if you are looking for a good thriller at any time, just head to the Stephen White section of your nearest library or bookstore. The man is a class act who never forgets the newsroom when he has a new book. And if you can honestly start The Siege and put it down without being 2/3rds of the way through and passing out in your bed, you’re lying or have no pulse.

And from one of my favorite writers, Ian Rankin (sorry luv, don’t remember which book exactly, but I think it’s from one of the one-offs, not John Rebus): “Never give a loaded gun to someone you don’t want to fire it.”

Oh, and about that Bruce Campbell guy? As Sam Ax(e?) he says: “never p*ss off Fiona” (to which I would agree, she’s what? 85 pounds and has the muscles to carry, load and fire all those automatic weapons)  and finally: “Sometimes it hard to be a friend.”

( especially when you’ve left them on top of Vegas casino roof.)

(… oh and don’t eat the cat food)